My Life, The Train Wreck: How it was, what happened and how it is now

Dear Friends of SLAA (and anyone suffering addiction out there)
My Life, The Train Wreck: How it was, what happened and how it is now.
It’s very sad actually living the life of a sex addict. My life revolved around sex probably since I was between 8 and 10 years old after a traumatising molestation incident by an older neighbour while playing behind my house in the alley.
Why I say that it could have started as early as this is because that was my first experience of sex of which I had no understanding of but was trying to copy with the neighbourhood girls shortly after my incident. I remember because my mother caught me a few times and scolded me giving me the idea that it was something bad. Sex was always referred to as nasty whether some girl didn’t sit properly and was showing her underwear or on TV where a girl or woman was a bit sexy. Mom would change the channel especially if dad was watching.
Not long after, my mother let me in on the family secret. She told me that my father had molested my older sister, his step daughter. I guess I added my “neighbour secret” to that secret, in the secret box. That was the beginning as best as I recall how I started to develop my “secrets list.”
My secrets list over the years grew longer and longer. Molestation, first sexual intercourse with an older girl taking place when I was 13, masturbation, peeping and watching female relatives undressing, obsessing with women of every age, cruising for flashers in parks and later in life inappropriate flirting and advances towards my wife’s friends and girlfriends. My addiction does not discriminate, in active addiction I have chased every woman I could, of any reasonable age, young and old. Despite the fact that I knew to some extend that all the things I was getting into were wrong and I was disturbed and perplexed after each incident, I did it all over again next time! This is the way of the addiction…it’s a monster!
Now do you call that living? I don’t think anymore that this was living, as living was intended at all. As I’m writing this now it’s very sad, sad for anyone to live with so many secrets. How do you go about your daily life? Well that’s what I’m getting at; I didn’t finish High School, no time to study as I was instead cruising, drinking and acting out! If I was not acting out (including drinking) I was cruising (spending hours, days and ultimately years), in search of my next fix!! All the while, I was living in fear of being discovered. I had lost many friends respect, completely stunted with all or most of my relationships with people.
So just 2 years after I lost my virginity I would discover alcohol as if I didn’t have enough problems already! So if you can imagine, it seems to me like having heart disease and then getting cancer on top of it! Of course at the time I just thought I had found a new friend.
So this miserable existence that I would call my life would go on for 50 or so more years, how in the world that could happen I will never know. I must have been completely delusional because from where I was standing my life looked pretty good and I thought that I was happy. How blind was I?
So in between I was responsible for the birth of 3 sons, 3 failed marriages, no education and no trade at which to make a decent living! That’s why I don’t have a problem with my Higher Power! I know that somebody out there loves and cares for me when I don’t love and care for myself.
In 2006 and during the time my wife was away visiting her daughter in the UK for 12 days, I went on a very bad drinking binge which culminated in my entering the room of my sleeping teenage stepdaughter and maid wearing only my bath towel! I was brought out of my ‘black out’ state with screams from one or both of them and went back to my room.
The gloom and doom of the next hours were terrible and luckily that the next morning I still remembered what I had done and commenced to inquire about the AA program, found the schedule and went to my first meeting in 2006. I still didn’t know anything about sex addiction and really didn’t understand anything about character defects too. I was pretty sure that I did all these things or was the way I was because of alcohol.
It was only after I was sober from alcohol for approximately 6 months that I found I was still craving acting out sexually, flirting, massages with a ‘special’ etc. I went to a Mental Health hospital and after my interview with a doctor I found out about sex addiction and about the SLAA program.
At first I kept the SLAA program a secret from my wife but then one day I decided to let her know (I think that it took the suggestion from my AA sponsor that I practice honesty) that I had an illness called sex addiction and I was getting help with it. This was very important to me because it was one of the first statements and ways that I practiced honesty with my wife. It also showed me first-hand about unconditional love by another, my wife stuck by me when she could have fled.
July 11, 2006 is my sobriety date from alcohol. My Sex and Love addiction recovery started after that. The obsession to drink alcohol has been lifted by the grace of God and I now work on a daily basis on sex and love addiction.
Only by coming to SLAA have I even been able to live the life that I am living now! I have not had sexual intercourse outside of marriage for 8 years. I have not had a ‘special’ massage for almost 20 months while I used to have 3 or 4 per week before I came to SLAA. I have not had an emotional love affair, entanglement, major fantasy/intrigue during that time too. I have now stopped compulsively giving out my phone number and making rain checks like I used to.
Where I do need lots of work is on my obsessive love affair with the Singapore rapid/public transportation, obsessive lust and the failure to work on my relationship with my wife. Healthy sex with our partners doesn’t have to die just because of sex addiction but I am lazy and time is wasting! If I want these to improve I know that I need to keep doing the work, face my fears and my weaknesses. I need to be willing to give up all my character defects and be willing to have God remove my shortcomings.
What nature intended for me is liberation from all addictions. Being free of all of these things allows me to be free to help other people who are suffering.
If you are a newcomer my advice is to stop acting out on a daily basis, this gives you peace of mind. Peace of mind gives you the ability to concentrate on the steps and other work we need to do in all our daily affairs for “the good life” (happy, with joy and free of addiction). The good life gives you wisdom (the clarity and understanding of the 12 steps) so that you may receive help and also help others to recover from this deadly disease.
My life has changed so much for the better and so can yours, you don’t have to suffer with pain, fear or regrets about your actions and life anymore. Please join me in recovery, I can’t do it alone.
Good luck and keep coming back.
El Singapuriano